Transcript - Season 2 Recap
We hear an audience settling in their seats.
JON comes forward across the stage, tapping the mic for silence.
JON:
“Why are we here?”
“What is our purpose?”
“What was the episode with the guy, you know the guy, he did the thing?”
All these questions and more will be explored - in this, The Silt Verses Season Two recap.
B.:
We're back, baby!
Applause. Light jazz music plays. We hear the turning of pages.
JIMMIE:
Season 2, Chapter One. We are introduced to Mercer and Gage, the hunters.
I really like the characters this season! I sort of live where The Silt Verses could take place - you know, swampy area, cat-tails, river, that whole nine. So being around hunters is nothing unusual to me.
And a, a politician decides to hire some god-assassins - because, you know, that always turns out well. So they use said assassins to go murder some peat-worshippers, and then, uh…you know, upgrade from peat to shrimp!
And then, and then we've got Faulkner coming into his own-
B.:
With the most dramatic entrance ever!
Faulkner still has his cool staff from last season, he interrupts Mason's sermon, and faints in church. 10 out of 10.
And he's still got that crab-nuke code up his sleeve. Which he appropriately uses as leverage to get chocolate, and add a chapter to the Silt Verses…
…and then he literally doesn't show up again for five episodes.
MÉABH:
And in the greatest reveal of modern media, Carpenter is revealed to be alive, and punching right out the dirt.
The person that she punches turns out to be Acantha-
JIMMIE:
Acantha! Ah, Acantha. Love Acantha.
MÉABH:
- steward of the Cairn Maiden, who's been taking care of Carpenter after she was wounded at the end of Season One.
Acantha is the one who clears up a Season One mystery! The veiled figure pursuing Carpenter before she lost consciousness.
Acantha thinks that was the Cairn Maiden herself, a goddess of ruin, decay, and caring for the dead and dying.
Carpenter stays with Acantha for a while, some might say recovering her strength…but she is put to work a fair bit. Cleaning corpses, hefting them to the Garden of the Dead, building a crane.
Carpenter is a carpenter. Who knew?
All that goes out the window, though, when Carpenter wakes up in the night to the sound of a body screaming that he wants to go home.
Bodies don't normally scream - as a rule - so you could say Carpenter's curiosity is piqued.
Turns out it's the corpse of a particularly whingy member of the Parish of Tide and Flesh, and so Acantha sends Carpenter off on a mission to bury the corpse back by the river, where he'll find rest.
JIMMIE:
(Cracking up)
So Carpenter’s gotta make her way with a zombie head-bag, to bring it back to the river!
Yeah. I swear, it feels like the gods in Silt Verses are just making bets with each other.
Like, Saint Electric’s like, “Yo. Yo, Cairn Maiden, yo, yo, come here, sit down, sit down, come here. I got 20 sacrifices for you if you just screw with Carpenter. You don't even need to do anything! Just sit there and stare at her.” and Cairn Maiden’s like,
(Deep drunken voice)
“Hold my beer.”
Page turns.
JIMMIE:
Chapter three!
(With pity)
Oh, Hayward.
Hayward's on the run from the cops. So he's hiding out, working in a grocery store, and then he sees Paige and has a mild panic attack.
And his colleague Gren is like, “Come here! Calm down. You know what's better than doing this? I've got a side hustle. Let's go, uh, let's go do some catering.”
And Hayward's like, “Yeah, sure, fine, let's go do some catering.” And this is why you always vet your side hustles.
Because it turns out that the catering gig is just a bunch of coal-worshipping people that stuff hot embers down people's throats, and light them on fire. From the inside out.
Hayward managed to duck into a kitchen where he has a nice conversation with a woman who says, “You're screwed if you don't get out of here.”
He grabs a prawn skewer and like an amateur-
(scolding HAYWARD directly)
-Hayward, like an amateur, Hayward! This is a horror podcast! And you're running upstairs, you're running upstairs, hiding in a closet. Are you serious? Rank amateur work, Hayward.
You did manage to skewer someone in the eyeball and then - you know - commit arson, and then leap out a window, basically.
But overall, Hayward? I’ll give you a B- minus for your horror logic.
MÉABH:
Chapter Four!
Carrying the constantly complaining body on her back, Carpenter trudges over the mountains north-west, back to the White Gull river.
She's drawn off her path by the plaintive cries of Eliza, a young girl who can't seem to see or sense anyone around her.
She's being shepherded by Brother Wharfing - we know him from Season One! Love Brother Wharfing! - who is doing his best to take care of Eliza.
The girl's whole family was killed when she was abducted and experimented on at one of the nearby government facilities, transforming her into a saint of loneliness. She cannot detect anyone else in the world around her.
(Cheerfully)
Ohh, Carpenter doesn't like that. And, oh look, here's an axe.
We get to see just why Carpenter was considered a legend amongst the followers of the Trawler-man, from the terrified perspective of the scientists inside.
Carpenter becomes an unseen monster, as she infiltrates the facility, picking off the government scientists one by one-
JIMMIE:
The original title was “Don’t Fuck With Carpenter.”
MÉABH:
Does it help Eliza? No.
Will it stop the experiments? Doubtful.
But at least Carpenter feels better, right? No.
Murder, kids. It’s really only sometimes the answer.
Page turns.
JIMMIE:
Ah, Chapter Five.
Hayward is chasing after Paige. Paige is chasing after her old work colleague - in search of some books on how to birth gods.
Paige gets into an altercation with Hembry, the old colleague.
Hayward ends up showing up, and both Paige and Hayward end up in the most evil stage play of Batman ever to exist.
Batman smashes Hayward's skull against the sink, repeatedly. Paige is smart enough to convince Hembry not to murder Hayward, and they do manage to get some books.
(Chiding)
Hayward, buddy…you've gotta get safer hobbies. Maybe…maybe macrame, or, or…something with dynamite.
Ooh, Chapter Six! Things are starting to get juicy now. So Adjudicator Shrue decides to try and-
(Laughing)
-decides to try and politic Mercer and Gage, the god-assassins.
Oh, why would you think it’s a good idea to try and renegotiate with assassins?
But…but it did work a little bit. And then Adjudicator Shrue gets attacked by love-saints, and almost dies.
The prospects of war are beginning to escalate…and things are getting very exciting.
Page turns.
B.:
When Faulkner does show back up, he's been told to chaperone what turns out to be the worst field trip ever.
For a split second he has a little cult of his own. He promptly gets all of them but his favourite killed, gets pistol-whipped by a man named Reverend Toes, and has yet another existential crisis-
JIMMIE:
Poor Faulkner.
B.:
Pretty sure that all happens in like 24 hours.
Not a great day for the boy.
But on the bright side, Faulkner does get to cameo in Carpenter's childhood-trauma nightmare loop.
MÉABH:
Gosh, it's so good that at this point Carpenter is having such a good time!
She's completely ready to wake up inside her childhood home, speaking to her dead Nana Glass.
Have we had enough murder and violence? How about a bit of emotional trauma?
Carpenter finds herself caught in an inescapable loop, trapped inside a traumatic night from her childhood, reliving the sacrifices she carried out in the Trawler-man's name, and haunted by the apparition of her dead grandmother.
Emotionally broken to her bones, Carpenter eventually manages to escape what seems to be a god of regret or shame…
…but then finds herself captured by the Reverend Toes.
Whose name she never learned or had to say loud, so I thought I would get away with that…but here we are.
Page turns.
JIMMIE:
Oh, Chapter Eight! Chapter Eight is Hayward figuring out that his old life is toast, and Paige is trying to convince him to create a new and better god.
And Hayward's like, “...All right, I'm gonna puke in some grass for a second, and let's, uh…let's hear more about this plan. Let's talk about this.”
So ultimately they decide to create a god of martyrs, and with the help of Dennis - Paige's dad - they all get high on otherworldly peyote, and begin summoning a god into the world.
Page turns.
MÉABH:
Chapter Ten! The moment everyone has been waiting for.
Carpenter and Faulkner are reunited. Each thought the other was probably dead, and those adorable idjits “Marco Polo” through a wall, which they break open just to see each other's adorable faces.
It's a lovely scene, only slightly tempered by the fact that they're being held captive at the mercy of the Reverend Toes and his disciples, a very cheery group dedicated to the Snuff Gods of pain.
Featuring one of the greatest characters of the season - nay, the series as a whole! Buzzsaw Woman. Party on, girl.
JIMMIE:
And the Snuff Gods of pain decide to help their followers create the worst rendition of a live-action game of Operation ever created.
Because nothing says family-friendly game like…dissecting a live body.
MÉABH:
Carpenter and Faulkner find their opportunity to escape, when the village is unexpectedly attacked by everybody's favorite murder siblings, Mercer and Gage, who've been looking for fresh prey.
However, Mercer recognises Carpenter - who is, you know, a living legend or whatever, it's no big deal.
And even more unfortunately, Gage secures the Homesick Corpse, who reveals the location of the Paraclete’s Gulch!
(With disappointment)
Ah, Carpenter. Body Transport 101. Don't misplace your corpse.
B.:
Faulkner and Carpenter finally reunite to do massive property damage to a motel, and get chased by authorities who want them dead.
Just like old times.
Page turns.
JIMMIE:
Ho-ho-ho, Chapter 11! So Paige and Hayward now have a new god in their pocket. But they have no idea how to get it out to the public for, uh…for “consumption.”
And Dennis suggests that all of our ideas are crap, and that we…we should, you know, start with the prisons.
Paige and Dennis end up going to a prison, and there's a woman, Esther, who's on death row. And they're gonna try to convince Esther to switch over to our god, the god of martyrs.
She resists at first, because she is gonna be executed in a very easy, painless, quote, “painless” process. But then things do a big twist, and they say, “No, sorry, uh, you're gonna have to suffer, and we're gonna sacrifice you immediately.”
So she says the words and carves the marks.
Boom.
Page turn.
B.:
Things then quickly get out of hand. Like…very quickly.
The feral teenagers are on their way to wreck the Trawler-man, and Mason is being supremely unhelpful, so Carpenter and Faulkner figure they just have to take care of it themselves.
(Darkly)
They also get some sibling time.
(Very darkly)
It's all very touching.
(Very darkly indeed)
For now.
Page turn.
JIMMIE:
Chapter 12! Truly the most important thing that you can take away from this episode is that Hayward and Paige have a rock skipping competition, and Hayward comes out the winner.
Because he mostly changes the rules and makes them up as he goes along.
But, uh, it appears as though Dennis is going to betray Hayward and Paige. The cops seem to be on to them.
And Dennis ends up luring the cops back to his place, stating that we're locked up there - but we are not there! We are rock skipping.
The police come, Dennis sacrifices himself using the prayer and the marks - and a massive tree of death explodes everywhere, and impales whales, and Paige begins to go into a trance and an almost seizure-like state, and Hayward is an absolute wreck.
MÉABH:
Carpenter and Faulkner make their way back to the Paraclete’s Gulch, intending to defend it against Mercer and Gage.
We get to see Carpenter once again showcasing the skills that made her a legend as she and Faulkner tactically organise their defense and plan for attack.
We also get to see Faulkner showcasing the skills that will make him a great prophet - like having an inspirational speech prepared, and a written narrative hidden, to make sure that the future additions to the holy scriptures get things right.
Ah, sure, we love him.
B.:
At some point during the ensuing Helm’s Deep battle scene, he gives the crab nuke to his favorite little follower - you know, the one that survived the Reverend Toes incident - as a just-in-case.
He will definitely, for sure, not regret this move later.
MÉABH:
(Brightly)
Carpenter and Faulkner make such a good team! They work together so well! Truly, a rare bond that will remain strong through all trials and tribulations.
As the Trawler-man's people flee from the attack, Faulkner finds himself confronted by Mercer, who starts to beat him with intent to kill.
And you know what? Carpenter doesn't like that.
Despite her decision to no longer act as an attack dog of the faith, Carpenter goes full Beast Mode, and launches into Mercer, with whom she has a brief bloody and violent battle.
Faulkner is grateful that Carpenter would break her vow on his behalf. “It doesn't count when it's for you,” she tells him.
The battle is won, but war has broken out. In a moment of emotional release, Carpenter buries the Homesick Corpse and realizes some things about herself as she does so.
She no longer belongs with the Parish of Tide and Flesh, but Acantha’s garden isn't for her either.
It's time to leave, to think about where she belongs. But before she does, she heads back to the Gulch, to say goodbye to the one person who will always be her people - Faulkner.
B.:
The siege is over!
People very much did die, but Faulkner's pretty sure it was a resounding success.
Until he realises why the siege was called off.
His favorite little follower and Mason have - surprise! - gotten the Trawler-man legalized, and plan to sell the crab nuke to the Feds.
Faulkner, understandably, brutally murders both of them for this.
JIMMIE:
Holy. Shit.
MÉABH:
Carpenter arrives, just in time to find a grisly blood-splattered scene.
Shocked, she tells Faulkner, if they move fast they can cover it up! She'll help him.
But she's stunned when Faulkner apologises to her. Carpenter begs her brother not to do what she realises he is about to do. Faulkner does it anyway.
As the alarms ring, Faulkner shouts out that Carpenter has committed to the double murder - framing her, and putting her on the run once more
Carpenter just cannot catch one single break. Can she?
The music cuts out.
A moment of silence.
B.:
(Cheerfully)
Surely none of this will have dire consequences in Season Three.